Hi! It's me...again! Well, it's taken me a few days to be able to sit down and write this. I don't know if it was I didn't know how to say it or I was just avoiding putting it in writing...makes it more real that way, I guess! We had a doctor's appointment Friday in order to start our stimulant meds Friday night, and really going into it felt confident that we would be starting! From the previous doctor's appointment just 8 short days before, there were no ovarian cysts and I "looked like I was finally going to get my perfect start" for our INVITRO! David & I were really excited, as we headed into this appointment expecting to schedule our egg retrieval for June 9th.

Well, the appointment did not go as anticipated. In 8 days my body had developed 5 ovarian cysts. I was pulled off all medication and they cycle was again cancelled. Later that afternoon I received a phone call from the doctor in which he explained that in all his years he has never seen someone develop cysts in that short amount of time. He does not understand why I am not reacting to the meds or why I have these reoccurring cysts. He said that we could try one more time for a start, but in the meantime David & I should consider other options.

My heart was very broken and I am extremely disappointed. As I sit here typing and trying to see the screen through the tears that are streaming down my face, I can say that I know the Father has a purpose in this timing! I don't know if He is asking me to deny my fleshly desires in order to devote my life to following Him, or if He is forcing me out of my selfishness, or if I am being punished as a result of my hardheadedness. Well, yes I do know in my head that it is not the later of the three! I try not to focus on the timing He has chosen to build other families, yet not ours. I refuse to listen to the lies that the enemy is whispering in my ears on a minute by minute basis!! And I am desperately seeking His peace that goes beyond our mortal understanding. Because I don't understand, as we now have 3 close friends that have announced their expecting bundles of joy since last Wednesday! And I am really trying not to ask how He choose who to bless with children and who not to! My thoughts are so scattered...as in 10 seconds I can go from blessing His name and completely surrendering my life to Him.....to crying out in pain "Why do you refuse to see my longing for a child? Why has my prayers gone unheard?"......to being so angry that I dare not type the words. Then, occasionally,...there is a breath of peace. For a moment I can feel His arms around me and hear His spirit whisper to me "Do you know how much I love you? If you could only see the blessings that I have in store for you just around the corner! Do you not see the place in which I have planted you and your husband? If you did, you would know that i am not denying you of a child. You would hear me asking "How many children do you want? I will give you one but a multiple children to love and nurture and tell my story to!" I am working on transferring what I know in my head to be truth to live in reality in my heart! That's the hard part, connecting the two!


I know I need to step out of this depression quickly as we have so much on the horizon! We have a A&M student living with us this summer that I really need to love on and encourage! WyldLife camp coming up this month for the 8th graders and in July at Carolina Creek! This Sunday is the start of our Summer Campaigners for Young Lives and then camp in August! I am so excited about each one of these events and want to be emotionally and spiritually vested in each! Please pray that my focus will be clear and my spirit sensitive to the calling!

Thank you for listening to me! I don't know if we will attempt another start!! At this point the only thing that really keeps us wanting to at lest try is the $3700 of meds sitting in my refrigerator that we can't take back! Please pray for us right now. That the pieces will be picked up and put back together.....that David will have patience with me as my grieving process is very different from his! And most importantly that I will find the hope and peace that I so desperately need!

I love you all dearly,

Kelli D