No Fear in Love

Bringing little Brayden home has been a journey. The few days when we were home waiting for our room in to be scheduled seems like a haze. I was nervous, excited, and fearful. Just a few days before we have been delivered the news about a growing cyst on our baby's spine. The surgery that would be needed would be long, expensive, and extremely risky. The good news was that at the moment there was no immediate need. The doctors decided to wait, image regularly, and monitor this cyst to determine the appropriate time to operate. We have been praying ever since that this cyst would be a non-issue and never need this yucky operation.


When the doctor asked us to be at the hospital in a few hours on Monday, December 7th, we grabbed our bag, settled the dogs for the night, and headed to Ft. Worth. Neither of us said very much on the ride over. My mind was reeling with questions. Would I be able to care for this fragile little life that for the past 2.5 months has required teams and teams of doctors? I remember that I had asked David a few days before "What if I get him home and we don't bond? What if I don't love him?" I felt fear becoming even more dominated in my thoughts.

The night went surprisingly fast. We had Brayden in the room with us and even though we had divided up feedings...we found that we were both up at every sigh, whimper, feeding, and changing. David proved to be an absolute ROCK those two days. The next morning we had a busy schedule. Exit consultations with our neonatologist, nurses, dieticians, neurologists, surgeons, case workers, insurance reps, and paperwork with the adoption agency. On top of all of this, the birth mom ended up coming up to the hospital and spent most of the day with us, as well. David had a GREAT strategy...he asked me to take care of Brayden and the birth mom and he would take care of all the business with the insurance agency & the agency.


Just before everything kicked into high gear...I needed to talk to my Dad. I just needed to hear his voice. Up to this point, we still hadn't asked anyone's opinion on our decision to adopt this baby. We were very careful to isolate our hearts from earthly opinions to ensure that we were only listening to the heavenly father's voice and direction. But now....I needed to hear my earthly Father's voice. Nothing in this world makes me feel safer than my dad. When he answered I began to cry and he asked me what was on my heart? Looking back, how ironic was his wording. It wasn't "What was wrong" but "What was on my heart?" He knew right away that I had a heart issue. For the first time in this entire process, I asked someone if they thought we were making the right decision. Through tears streaming down my face, I asked my daddy "Are we making the right decision to adopt this baby?" Even though it was my earthly father's voice in the response, I felt the spirit move in me as he answered. “You know, when you & David first told me about this baby I wanted to tell you guys to not go any further in the process. You guys are my kids and I wanted to protect you. Then when the babies were born with so many complications, I picked up the phone so many times to tell you guys that I thought ya'll should wait for a different baby. But again, the Holy Spirit kept my mouth shut. Then when your mother & I came that first time to see Brayden in the hospital, I felt the Holy Spirit wash over me when I was standing by his incubator. I have never felt anything like it. I knew that God had delivered this baby to you & David and that through ya'lls faithfulness to the calling of God our family would experience blessings and miracles. Christ saw past all our special needs and sickness and decided to love us despite all the complications, to love us to the point that he gave His life for us. And in essence, you and David have been called to sacrifice for love as well, to see past all the things the world calls imperfections and love this little baby that God created. We are going to see the power of God like we never have before Kelli. And I can't promise you that it's going to come in complete healing, but I do have confirmation that Brayden was born for our family. And your mother & I are going take every step in this journey with you & David." He continued to tell me that God doesn't quite on us and that the word promises that He will finish the good work He has completed in us.


We got off the phone with my Dad asking me to go read 1 John 4:18. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear." What an amazing verse my Dad gave me to meditate on. That phone conversation lead me straight to the word of God that I needed to loosen the power of fear that the enemy was using to bind me. There is absolutely no fear in love!! Over the last several weeks I have not worried once about the expense of future surgeries that are not even needed at this point....and there is no doubt that I love him.

Sometimes I think the enemy resigns to the fact that he has lost the eternal battle with us, so he ramps up the battle in other ways to keep us as ineffective in the Kingdome as possible. I believe that God has chosen me & David to raise this baby. Brayden was handpicked before he was even conceived to be our son and that through this, God will be glorified. The enemy does not like our Father to be glorified. Again, fear is something that I have rarely experienced in my life and boy was it powerful. But praise God Almighty, the King of Kings & Lord of Lords that he has defeated the enemy for us and there is freedom in His word.

Our first Christmas with Brayden, we had a little miracle baby of our own. God has miraculously protected and delivered Brayden from death & despair into life. Jesus came to bring us life and we hold in our arms a daily remembrance of that power that is available to all of us. "....So that we may have life and have it more abundantly." May Brayden's life radiate the abundance of life in Jesus. Thank you all who have prayed...please keep praying. We love you very much. ~ Kelli