Struggling..

This week has been extremely tough! Physically I haven't felt very good, not able to sleep and really rest at night, and emotionally....well, it's been the toughest week emotionally I have had since we started! I have so many emotions right now! I have two very significant people in my life, that I love more than words, tell us they are are pregnant within 2 days of each other. And while my spirit really rejoices in their joy, my flesh moarns for what they have and I do not! I want to be able to rejoice with them, but I can't and I feel like I am a horrible person becuase I am in this horrible place!! I know I should die to self, but right now it's really tough to see beyond my own selfish desires!

Thankfully, there was a meeting scheduled at a local coffe house for the Women of Hope group that I have been attending. There were just 3 of us, and it was a great time of encouragement and just loving on each other. I am so thankful for Stephanie and Anna, as they really uplifted my spirits!! Last night I had our ladies Young Life bible study where we are focusing on the Fruits of the Spirit. Last night was PEACE. Although it was really tough to be present becuase I am struggling with accepting God's peace(not that it is not there), in the still of the night the verses and words that had been spoken earlier in the evening, comforted and soothed my soul!

Please pray for me!! David is doing well, and ever trying to figure out what I may need from him at the moment!! I guess you should probablly pray for him, too!! :) My head knows all the verses and truth! God is in control and this WILL be for HIS glorification!! I MUST let go and trust!! But right now I am hurting, and it's not okay, and I don't understand, and I don't like it, and I wish that I could see the end! Hopefully soon, He will restore the fundamental joy of my salvation! Thanks for listening!!

Kel

IVF Update

I guess it's finally time to sit down and give an update. If your short on time, let me break it down for you really quick....Nothing has changed so we are still in the same holding pattern!

Now for you out there who would like a little more detail, read on my friends! As you know, we are waiting to start my stimulation meds. In the IVF cycle, the prep month is spent suppressing the natural hormones that are produced. This is done in order to reach a constant level from which to start the stimulation at. Once all hormones are suppressed, then you start the stimulation meds, Gonal F in my case, that will "stimulate" my body to produce follicles and grow them into mature eggs that can be fertilized. We haven't got to that point just yet becuase EVIDENTLLY..my body doesn't seem to want to cooperate!! My hormones are not easily suppressed...guess they get that from me....and I have had cycts on my ovaries the last 3 weeks. The past 3 Thursdays have been the same.."Can't start you on the stimulation meds with cycst. That would only stimulate the cycts growth instead of any follicles. Stay on the meds and come back in a week." They say my body is confused...well, I guess it's a good thing at least my body is following suit with my emotions and my head!! Becuase honsetly, I don't know a part of me that doesn't feel confused right now.

So, I came home to sulk heading into the Easter holiday!! But I just have to say that I have an amazing husband that has a way of putting everything into perspective and painting this picture with a subtle hint of light that was previously dark and morbid!!! I am so glad that The Father has allowed me to journey through life with him as my soul mate. In all reality, we want a good start!! And right now, my body is not at a place that would yeild a good start. Plus, if we have to be in a holding pattern with meds, man are we blessed to be in a holding pattern on a $20 med that lasts a month vs $750 medicine that lasts 5 days!! The stimulation medicine is extremly expensive and we haven't started that yet!! And really, my dissappointment stemmed solely from a timeline that I had tried to fit God's plan into. I wanted a baby by Christmas! Once again, God reminding me that this really isn't in my control. He is calling me deeper and deeper into a relationship that requires me to relinquish every selfish control into His hands. I HAVE to trust HIS plan, to follow HIS voice! I think this is fitting becuase you can't see or touch a voice! You hear, and walk blindly in the direction that voice is calling from. I know from Jeremiah 29 that His plans for my future are greater than anything I can see and far exceed my own selfish desires. I praise Him for all the hidden wonders that I can not yet see with human eyes. So, as my husband reminded me, we are thankful that we can wait for a strong start, that we haven't begun our expensive meds, and that in the end...a healthy baby is all that matters........no matter what day it arrives on!!!

This weekend we also learned that one of my dearest friends, many of you know Vicky, and her husband Robert are expecting for the first time!! I am thrilled, as we will have another little one to love on, and play with, and even though David has already started to warn me that I am going to have a limit on the amount of baby stuff I can buy for them....BLESS them with cute little outfits!!! A huge paise for the life that God created through Vicky & Robert!!

Kel

Just a Sinner Saved by Grace...

I have been feeling the Lord leading me to this post...if that would even be something He would do. This is going to be a long one, so stay with me until the end, and it just may change your life.

I feel as though I need to address a few things, that need to be read more by some of my friends who may not know the Lord, or who may know Him, but have not held His hand in a while...

Many of you know that I was in a fraternity in college, Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE). While there I developed some of the best friendships a person could ever ask for. I have a bond with these guys that cannot be explained, and many people don't understand the brevity of the relationships I hold with these guys. When you live with 75 or so guys, eat dinner with them, share stories with them, and watch them grow into men, it is a life altering experience. I still enjoy having fellowship with them every few months, and we can have upwards of 50 guys show up and hang out. Again, the average Joe can't comprehend maintaining friendships like that, which in and of itself can be a chore.

I say all of this so those who weren't in my fraternity can maybe understand a little of the bond I have with these guys.

What I am leading into is this...Being that it was a social fraternity I did not always uphold my covenant to God and His Son Jesus. I don't know if I want to get into all the details here, but let's just say I enjoy a beer every once in a while, and maybe even one or two more than what I should. I also have to be honest and say that my tongue needs a taming that even James may not be able to perform. (this is in reference to the book of James in the Bible, and is a very tough read, but highly recommended from the author of this post). I am seeing where my friends who know me better than most people, could read some of the posts Kel and I have put on this Blog, and shout at the top of their lungs that I am the biggest hypocrite they've ever laid eyes upon. I would have to agree with all my heart, that they have a point, but that's not the end of the story.

With all my heart, I need to mention that it is BECAUSE of Jesus I am able to hold onto the hope that His will is all I need in my life. Jesus was sent to this Earth, by God, to save each of us from our sins. Not to turn us into "perfect" people, but to take our sins on to himself and wipe us clean when we stand in Judgment before God. The one and only thing a person must do to obtain this forgiveness is to believe in your heart that Jesus is the Son of God, that He died on the cross for your sins, and rose again on the 3rd day. I worship a God who is still alive and well, doing miraculous works in the lives of all who believe in Him. Buddha, Mohammed, the Hindu gods, all the other gods that are worshipped by other religions are dead. They are either lying somewhere in a grave, or they are made of metal or stone.

There will be many who have probably already shut me out by now, but for those who are still with me I want you to think about something for me...one of the most interesting things I've had brought up about the story of Jesus is this: Prior to Jesus going on to the cross, His disciples were afraid to stand up for Him as it would also mean they would suffer the same persecution He did. So, many of them denied knowing Christ or following Him when people pointed them out to the authorities. However, after Jesus was crucified on the cross, he appeared to the disciples to show them that He was alive and well, and at that time He allowed the Holy Spirit to come upon them. From that point on, each of the disciples drastically changed their stance on Christ, to the point where several of them were killed due to the fervor they maintained for HIM...let me say that again, they were KILLED for that stance. So, I would ask, why the change of heart? If Jesus wasn't the Messiah, or the Son of God, why would they decide to stand up for Him and preach the Gospel, only to suffer and die for the cause? Let me ask it more personally, what in your life would you die for? Would you die for a lie or a hoax? Or would you lay down your life for the one and only person who has the power to change your life...to save your soul for eternity?

Let me finish with this...Again, I am only a sinner saved by grace, the grace of Jesus. That does not make me a perfect person, who will never sin. It makes me a sinner, who will continue to sin for the rest of my life, everyday...but one who is saved by the blood of Jesus. I will stumble everyday, probably even every hour, but that sin is covered by the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross, which I believe in my heart was done for me as it was for everyone. I do my best not to be a stumbling block, or to hurt my witness for Jesus, but I am human and will make many mistakes the rest of my life. What I hope is that thru my actions you can see the love of Christ thru me, as I am only a vessel which God uses for his glory.

If you've read this far, thank you for letting me share with you my stance, I hope it wasn't too much rambling. :) Double D

The Waiting Game...

Well, we had our Dr's appointment yesterday and they found another cyst. So, we will wait another week, and have another appt next Thurs - same time and place. According to the Dr's (and Nurses) it appears that Kelli's body is not sure what to make of all these different hormones, coming at her from different sources. So, her "cycle" has been thrown off between the Lupron Shots and the Birth Control Pills, and her body is still trying to acclimate itself to those things. The light shining thru all of this, that we are able to praise Jesus for, is that at this stage in the game, it is better for us to know now that it isn't going perfectly instead of finding out halfway thru an egg retrieval or something. That has been our biggest prayer in all of this, that if it isn't going to be a "perfect" scenario, that we would find out as soon as possible so there is still time to fix it. Again, everything we do we want to be wrapped in the will of God, and not wrapped up in our own selfish desires to have children.

In essence, we really are so early in this IVF process that in catching these things now, it makes it easier to fix them and proceed with high hopes of still attaining a pregnancy. Also, the only thing our insurance covers in all of this are the Lupron Shots and Birth Control Pills, so Praise Jesus that even though this is another bump in the road, at least we aren't having to go deeper into the bank account to pay for more meds or shots or whatever. That is one consolation in all of this.

Please continue to pray for us as you see fit because this is a long and tedious process and we need all the strength we can muster. All we ask is that God's will would be done in all of this, even if in the end that means that we don't achieve a pregnancy. If that is His will, then we can handle that and be able to see His Light in all of this. - DD

Weekend with the Family!

This past weekend David's parents came down on Friday and stayed with us through Sunday. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO good to just get to hang out with family and catch up. I always hear the "dreaded in-law" stories, and I have to admit, I just can't identify! I am extremely blessed to have married into a family that I love being around!! Friday night we grilled steaks and pork and had a really good dinner at home. Then we scouted around town and priced refrigerators - - GOOD GRACIOUS I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE THAT HIGH!!! But that's a different Blog! :)



Saturday morning my parents drove up to spend the day and visit! David and "The Dads" were off to play golf at Coyote Ridge and me and "The Moms" well....we were off to do what we love best...SHOP!!! I fixed breakfast burritos for everyone, plus my friend Millie and precious little son Dane, to get fueled before we all headed off in different directions... And let me tell you did we all have a ball!!! Mom O. found some sassy little red pumps and I found these Easter hats, that looked more like Kentucky Derby hats, that had these huge feathers on top! I picked one out for me and one for each Mom. Me and Mom O got so tickled that we really were causing quite the ruckus. In fact, another Mother and daughter couple stopped to asked if they could spend the rest of the day shopping with us because we looked like we knew how to have fun!! Well, I think Mom D was trying to avoid us because were being so LOUD but we found her and she got her very own feather hat! Here we are ...in all our glory...

Yes I have to say, those were some hats!! The funniest part of the whole thing....Mom O got so excited and tickled about these hats, that her treasured find of red shoes were missing!!! We looked, and looked, and got other people to help us look....and we could not find those shoes anywhere. AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANOTHER PAIR IN HER SIZE!!! So, we left with no hats, no red shoes......and a pretty goofy looking picture! But it sure was fun!!!

The boys had a good round on the course. They came in a little muddy and cold, but overall they said they had a good time. We finished the afternoon with a late lunch at BJ's, great food, hot coffee, and a time to visit! My parents headed back home after lunch and The Dowdney clan hung out the rest of the afternoon at home.

It's so good to be surrounded by family...especially mine!!! They are all so precious to me! It was fun and I can't wait until we all get together again! Who knows what outrageous find we will have to try on next time...... ~Kel

Change of Heart

Today I was so feeling sory for myself. Given our dissappointning appointment last week, the stress of having to drop $$$$ on a refrigerator, my job, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness...I was just a little bummed out!! I get up this morning looking forward to a time of renewing in services...and wouldn't you know it.....BABY DEDICATION SUNDAY! Now, don't get me wrong. I do rejoice with the families and they are SOOOOO CUTE! But still there is a twinge of pain, an awareness of emptiness, and this morning the sadness was too much!! I felt horrible that it made me cry, so then I felt guilty. What kind of person am I that is filled with sadness when little children are dedicated to our LORD? So, my spirit was defeated and so I decided t descend to the bedroom for a long Sunday nap!!

Isn't funny how the spirit prompts and leads. I was checking my email before my nap and a lady that is on Young Life Committee sent a prayer request out for a little 11 yr old girl, Brielle, that is fighting Cancer. She attached her Blog and an emial from her mother. In the midst of my self created PITTY PARTY, my eyes were opened to an amazing little girl that is JOYFULLY fighting for her life....impacting people's life...leading them to the foot of the cross!! WOW, is that what the Father is calling me & David too? ....I pondered in silence and cried for forgivness. If Christ can suffer and die in order for us to be reconciled with the Father, how then can I complain and grumble at the frustrations of infertility? Becuase I am human, of theflesh, and Christ was God in flesh and perfect and holy! How I desire to be like Christ.

This is Brielle's mother's email....
“Mommy I wish it could be how it used to be! Why did God let me have cancer? How long will I have to be like this?” I felt my heart stop beating the second Brielle asked these three questions. In the darkness, I laid next to her on her bed, scratching her back and prayed, “Oh God, give me Your words to answer my daughters desperate questions. I said, “Brielle, I believe God puts us here on this earth for two very important reasons. The first is so that we would love Him, accept His Son, and receive the joy in serving Him with our whole heart, soul mind and strength. The second is so that we can share His love with others so that they could come to know Jesus as their personal Savior too. I know Brielle, that God is allowing you to go through this trial with cancer so that you can share the hope, strength and peace that only Jesus can give you in the midst of this circumstance. I absolutely believe Brielle, that God is going to bring people to want to accept Christ that never would have before, because of the Jesus they see in you!” Yesterday, the Kingdom of Heaven rejoiced! The words that the Lord gave me to comfort my daughter became living truth. A new friend of mine from FCS (Friends Christian School) named Chris came by our house to give Brielle a gift. When she was leaving, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “Brielle has helped me more than I can even begin to explain. I went through a terrifying experience with my son as an infant. I was angry, I blamed God, and had absolutely no peace or hope. I’ve seen how your family has been going through this experience with Brielle. You have peace, you have hope, you have joy and you are trusting God. I wish I could have had that, with the experience I had with my son. I feel like I’m really learning to pray for the first time, as I have been reading all of your e-mails. I want to know more, I feel God speaking to my heart. How does this all work? Right then and there, I grabbed Chris’s hands, and asked her if I could share with her what is means to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. With her immediate “YES” response, we walked hand-in-hand up my driveway, and into the house, and into the room we are re-doing as a home school place for Brielle. We shut the door, sat on the floor, smiled at each other and prayed. My heart was so full of joy, as the words of God’s hope, forgiveness of sin through the blood of Jesus, newness of life and eternal security in heaven, just came bubbling out. Excitement and laughter filled “Brielle’s room”. When we were finished praying, we opened the door and walked into the living room where Brielle and Kylin were on the couch watching TV. I looked at Brielle and told her we have a new sister is Christ. Ms. Chris accepted Jesus into her heart to be her Lord and Savior. See Brielle, remember when we talked the other night? Jesus is using your life story to bring others to want to know Him for the very first time! Kylin and Brielle gasped, smiled, and just started clapping heir hands. I have never seen Brielle look so excited! The feeling of thankfulness to God that overwhelmed me at that moment is impossible to express. On the very floor of the room that we are making over for Brielle, a new soul was won for our Lord Jesus Christ. God tenderly allowed Brielle to se His purpose and plan, during her time of affliction. John 5:24 “Most assuredly I say to you whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life.” Lord God, You are our God. Our hope is in You. You will never leave us or forsake us. You will bring us through and we will praise Your name! -Lisa

May we bear our burdens with joy and suffer well so that others will see that in the midst of life's trajedy, only Christ can offer the peace that covers all of life's messy details that we do not understand. Like couples struggling with the desire of a baby and little Children of God undergoing Chemo and radiation! I know he hears and is carrying us all in the palm of his hands..may I just be still and know that HE is GOD and PRAISE BE that we do not serve a God of fear!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming...

So, if it isn't one thing, its got to be something else. Kel and I had what the Dr's call our "3 Day" appoinment on Thursday morning. That just means she's on the third day of her cycle and they want to run a baseline of her hormone levels and what not to see where she stands. They also do an ultrasound and make sure everything is okay there. Well, during the ultrasound they found 2 cysts on her ovaries that are common enough not to raise a huge red flag, but definitely not something we want to have to contend with right now. Her blood work alos came back with high hormones, which are suppose to be suppressed right now from the meds. So, what this does is push us back about a week before we start phase 2 of shots and medication. Thus, next Thursday we will go back in to the Dr. and they will run the same tests and ultrasound to see how things are going. If her cycts are gone and her hormones are suppressed, then we will be able to go forward with stimulation. Otherwise, we have to cancel everything and start over next month!!

Then, the second round of shots came in the mail this morning, and it is necessary that we refrigerate them to keep them fresh. Kelli called me at work a few hours ago and mentioned that when she opened the door to the refrigerator, there was no cold, and our food was starting to get mushy. What does all that mean?!?! Looks like we get to go blow several hundred bucks on a new fridge. EXCITING!! That's exactly what I wanted to get to do this weekend. However, what I am clinging to is the FACT that the Lord will not give us a load that we can't carry. So, all I can do is laugh at the circumstances, maybe even cry just a little at the frustration, and pick my fat butt off the couch and get us a new fridge. In the meantime, please keep us in your prayers as our money really needs to be going to IVF to pay those Dr Bills and not random appliances! BUT but Lord knows nothing "normal" ever happens to us, especially when Kelli is involved. But I sure do love her anyway, despite that I know the abnormality is really with her and not myself!!! It sure is a good thing she married a patient man, if I do say so myself. :)

Scolded....

Yes, today I was scolded by my husband. Why? ....for not blogging!! "Do you know how much stuff has happened since last Monday that you haven't written about? And I put the last two on there so it's your turn!!" AH...yes, and we think we're ready for kids!!! It's true though, I have to admit!! Last week was a hard week!! Having started the shots on Monday, by Wednesday night I was feeling really rough. I went to a Young Life bible study with some of the leaders and Committee women, and by the time I got home I had a small headache. Took some Tylenol and called it a day. I woke up around 1:30 having soaked the bed in a hard sweat, extremely nauseated, and a migraine. I moved to the couch for the rest of the night, next day, and following night. Lupron is used to shut down my pituitary gland and neutralize my gonadotropins, in effect create a menopausal environment. This will give me a constant level to start from to stimulate the needed levels of hormones to produce mature follicles to become eggs. I know...alot of terminology!! Anyway...bottom line, it made me sick as a dog. Mom said she doesn't feel sorry for me because she's been menopausal for years!!! :) So I spent Thursday - Sunday off and on with heating pads on my head and trying not to move. "Do I really want a baby THIS bad?"..yes, I asked myself that numerous times...and my answer is still yes!!

So, that is my excuse for not writing!! But here I am and feeling much better this week! And it's good because TODAY IS DAY 1 for THE BIG MONTH!! Yes, this is THE month all the action takes place. Week before last David & I attended our Embryology Class at Dallas Presbyterian Hospital. We were able to meet the Embryologist and his team that will be caring over our little embryo from the time the egg leaves me, meets her "perfect boy", and becomes a little embryo. We were able to watch footage of an actual Egg Retrieval, the stages that will take places as the egg is fertilized and develops, and instructed on how which egg(s) are determined will be the ones we implant. It was really exciting....and nerve racking. Just seeing all the 50+ steps and scenarios that have to be exactly right for this to happen. It really left us awe-struck that God's creation of life is such an amazing miracle!!! It was pretty awesome!!

So what's next? Day 3 is a crucial day in the process, so I will go in early Thursday morning for a Sonogram, E2 blood work, and baseline. The sono. is looking to make sure I have not developed any cysts, polyps, and my lining is good. Blood work and baseline will be used to project ovulation period and if a higher mg of meds may be needed to stimulate ovulation. So as of now....March 17 is our target date for Retrieval. YEAH...

We are excited!! We still have a few things that we need to have fall into place for this month. David will be working on the anesthesiologist an hospital pre-registration tomorrow and I have to order my next 3 injectable meds & syringes. Other than that, I think we are pretty good. Just ready to get this done!! Pray Pray Pray......however He leads your heart! We need all you can spare.

Kel