C'est La Vie

To say that our life is not normal would be the understatement of the century! So, I'm not sure that I'm too surprised to be placed in our newest situation. Don't take that the wrong way as I mean it to be that the old cliche' always seems to apply with me and Kelli --> The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways. I have to say that over the past few weeks and months I have taken a few steps back and tried to look "big picture" at some of the Works the Lord has done in my life (and marriage). As has been mentioned in previous posts...Kelli and I have probably been thru more things than the typical married couple has to go through. Let me qualify that by saying we TOTALLY understand that each marriage has its own struggles and trials, and ours is no different. We've battled thru miscarriages, then infertility treatments, that then led to In-Vitro which all left us "empty." Each of those experiences left scars that only Kelli and I know about, and to that extent even scarred each of us in separate ways from the other. Kelli is also a cancer survivor which has put another "scar" on her flesh...which also looks different than the scar that was left on me. HOWEVER -- James 1:2 tells us to "consider it pure joy, brothers, when faced with trials of many kinds." From there it tells us that character and perseverance is built when we face hard times (my paraphrasing).

All that to say that these trials and tribulations have led us to where we are today -- looking to find our way to Cook's Children's Hospital to visit what may be our son. Our son who is fighting thru a brain injury that could lead to any of a number of what the world calls "handicaps." As I type this the wife and I are even to this minute still trying to figure out what we want to do, how we are going to do it, and if we are CRAZY for even considering it.

Kelli said something the other day when we were at lunch with the birth mother that I really appreciated. She said that we as Christians always say that Jesus won't give us more than we can handle...ever heard (or said) that before?? Well, she expounded on that to say that she thinks sometimes Jesus DOES give us more than we can handle. What?? Why would He do that? Well, for no other reason than to lean on HIM who can carry you through -- makes a little sense doesn't it? Now, who are we to know exactly why Jesus does the things He does...but I hadn't ever really thought it that way. However, looking at many of the things we've been through, I can say that in those times it really forced us to allow Christ to "carry" us through. I can say that the last month -- the Lord has carried me through. Everytime I have struggled, cried, freaked, stressed, gotten angry, or prayed...it has been Jesus' touch that I have felt.

Our pastor recently spent the summer on a 3 month sabbatical (spelling?)...and when he returned he gave us an amazing sermon on some of the things he had experienced with his family. He told a story of taking his teenage daughter to a Christian Camp where they do all sorts of activities that build trust, character, and closeness. It sounded like a wonderful bonding experience for him and his daughter. He told us a story of him and his daughter were sent out on a hike, where they travel up the side of a mountain (I think the camp was in Washington State) and then when they get to the top they have a picnic together and enjoy the scenery. He showed some amazing pics at the top of the mountain where they were looking down on a range of Mtns and you could see all the peak, valleys, clouds, and tree lines. They were amazing -- but that' s not even the good part. He said that after he and his daughter had their picnic, they were enjoying the scenery and conversation...he thought this would be the perfect time...

He had his daughter stand up, and while she was standing there he pulled a Purity Ring out of his pocket and talked to her about the significance of the ring, and he got down on one knee and "proposed" to her that she keep her body pure for her future husband, and that if she accepted that honor, he wanted to place the ring on her finger. Our pastor is a pretty sensitive guy, and as he's describing this scene he gets pretty choked up, which has the whole stinking sanctuary sniffling, crying, or tearing up. It was a pretty powerful speech. He ended with relating his love for his daughter to the love Christ has for us. See, Pete (our pastor) mentioned that before he took this time off, his "feelings" were hardened and he couldn't figure out why. In being a pastor he has to deal with a lot of the ugly side of humanity -- disease, death, discomfort, pain, etc. He said he had felt his heart hardening to some of these things and couldn't understand why. So, this journey he took with his daughter was a great way for him to also relate his love for his daughter to the Love the Father has for us. Again, he starts crying on stage as he tells us about some the time at camp he was able to have with his Heavenly Father in getting reconnected to Him.

I write this massive post to say that at the end of the sermon Pete asked us to come to the front and let go anything that is keeping us from God. In short...Kelli and I went down front to kneel at the altar and I have not cried like that in a long time! I mean -- sobbing, choking, sniveling (if that's a word), looking like an idiot but didn't care -- CRYING! I have not felt the Love of Christ flow over me like that since I was in High School. It was about a week later that we were approached about this adoption.

How can I not take into consideration the Love that Christ has for me, and compare it to Love He has for this baby...no matter his condition. Talking about crying -- I tried to be a "rock" for my wife while we were at the hospital due to her breaking down a few times while we were there. However, I couldn't get to my car fast enough to let loose the tears I had for this little guy who didn't choose to have this happen to him...to let loose the fear and anxiety I have over our involvement...to release the anger I have toward the situation as a whole. I sat in my car for 30 minutes and cried again the kind of cry that can't be stopped. Even when I thought I was done, and left the hospital to head to class, I had to pull over 3 times because I couldn't see the road ahead of me.

I had to get that out that day so I could then be able to move forward and deal with these emotions. Crying is a release, and being a guy, it's a release that I don't take advantage of very often. However, I feel that was the Lord's way of allowing me to release some of the fear, anxiety, anger, and trepidation I have. He needed me to do that so I can let it go, and come to His feet with this little baby and hand him over -- to Jesus who knows exactly what He wants to do with the little guy.

Okay, so now that you've spent an hour reading this thing, I want to wrap it up in saying this -- Kelli and I still don't know what the Lord's Will is in all of this, and we are trying to make sure we are open to whatever His desire is for our involvement in this baby's life. However, I can say that thru this trial it has forced me to draw nearer to the One who will provide the necessary feelings, thoughts, resources, care, and love for all who are involved...not just me, Kelli, and the baby. It has been thru these past few weeks that I am at peace in knowing that we are called to be right where we are at that very instant. Where we will be in an hour, a day, a month, and a year I dont' know, but I do know the One who does...and His will is sufficient for me.

I love you all, and know that NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE BASHFUL WITH PRAYER!!!! Please continue to lift this Baby, and me, and Kelli, the Doctor's, and anyone else involved up to the Lord so His will is done in all of this. So that HE will find glory and praise, and not us. We don't want any accolades for doing this...we want HIM to be glorified and praised for the works HE will do in all of this.

Thanks for listening/reading
DD